2011 in review

WordPress.com created this very cool annual report for my blog. The info graphic is awesome. I learned I need to post more, but that I have awesome, loyal followers!

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,000 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 33 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

I Am Fat. Hear Me Roar…

First, there’s a story to this post. (There’s always a story) Yesterday, my daughter and I were having one of our endless discussions. If you don’t know, she is autistic, so an endless discussion is one in which I try to explain to her how so-called neuro-typical people think, and she endlessly argues how stupid our approach to life and the world is until I want to bash my head into a wall. You can tell it is an endless discussion when you hear her say, multiple times, “That doesn’t make sense….”

So I was trying to explain how her penchant for jumping into relationships (romantic or otherwise) can often scare people away, to which she responded, “I’m just a Speedy Gonzalez. It’s just who I am.” And I knew we were about to start another endless discussion.

Since she likes analogies, I tried to come up with one that would help her make sense of this.  Here is what I came up with:

“I am fat. That’s what I am. I can work at changing the shape of my body, through diet and exercise, but if I stop working at it, even for a while, my body will automatically revert to fat. Because that is what I am.”

There was a lot of follow-up discussion to this revelation. We found that, regardless if you were talking about weight, social awkwardness, or even left-handedness, the big issues were the same. Here are some highlights:

• You can’t just decide to change, make that decision, and then it is over. When you are changing something fundamental about yourself, you have to constantly work on it and pay it attention. Over time you might develop some new habits, that help you, and some coping strategies, but if you stop paying attention and stop working, you will eventually revert to your primary state.
• You have to decide if it is worth it. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. If the psychic and physical energy expended to overcome your natural state is more effort than the rewards, then don’t bother changing. Just stay how you are.
• You can make different decisions about how much energy you are willing to expend on changing yourself at different times in your life. When life is good, you have a job, people that love you, a strong support system, and good mental health, you have more energy to work on change. When your world is collapsing around you, you have less energy. It doesn’t mean you can’t change. It just means you need to be aware that there is more effort required.
• One of the most important elements to personal change is having people to support you. People to cheer you when you do well and commiserate when you struggle; people who understand why you are doing what you are doing and how hard it is for you; people who can give advice when you need it, but don’t try to boss or bully you into changing.

There was more, but these are the things I took from the conversation. I felt that, as New Year’s Day (with its requisite resolution-making) approaches, the discussion was well-timed. I’m resolved this year to keep working on my personal change. I’m eating healthy, and toying with the idea of adding some exercise this year. It will take me at least a year to get to my personal goal, which isn’t a skinny-skinny, but livable goal.

But there was one more thing I’m taking away from this conversation.
I am fat. That’s what I am.

No matter what shape my body is, I am a fat person. The last time I lost a lot of weight (over 100 lbs) I thought that this had changed me somehow. That I transformed from being a fat person to a thin person, but now I don’t think so. Now I think that it is something I am inside. I might change the shape of my body from time to time, sometimes even resembling a thin (or at least normal) person, but it doesn’t change me, who I am inside, and it doesn’t change my life. I still have to live with me.

Putting on a diamond tiara doesn’t make you a princess anymore than going into a garage makes you a car. You are who you are. You can change what you do, you can change what you say, and you can even change what you look like, but you can’t change who you are. Does this sound depressing? I don’t mean it to be depressing, but rather I hope this understanding helps me deal with the long-term component of my journey. An alcoholic who hasn’t had a drop of liquor in 30 years, still identifies herself as an “alcoholic;” it is who she is.

I am fat. I hope I never forget or pretend to deny that. If I do, please remind me to read this post. Thank you.

Competition

I am not a very competitive person. Okay, I am, but not as competitive as some of the other people in my life. But lately I’ve been doing very well on my health kick and I’d like a little credit for it.  Not from the people who are always supportive but for the world in general to notice that something amazing is happening to me.

First, I have been diligently attending and participating in Weight Watchers for the last 12 weeks. I have lost over 30 pounds in that amount of time. And not by chance but through careful and specific and strategic decisions. 30 pounds is huge! Sadly, at my weight, there doesn’t seem to be much physical difference in appearance. My pants are looser but I still wear the same size. My face to me looks thinner but few people who don’t know I’m dieting have noticed yet.

I’m not sure why the validation matters so much to me. It is nice to get compliments encouraging words from my family and close friends. And I tell myself that the only validation I need is from myself. This is about empowering me. But who am I kidding…

So this week I’m spending a little bit extra time with my business partner. He’s an older gentleman who has in the past year lost 80 pounds himself. Which is amazing. But he doesn’t follow the Weight Watcher’s method. According to him this miraculous weight loss has been achieved by just not eating anything fattening for the last year. (Actually he says it took four months to lose the weight but I know differently. Here is some of his diet talk:

• I just cut out all the sweets and cakes and cookies and candies in my life.
• I eat a lot of salads with either fat free dressing or balsamic vinaigrette.  I eat a salad every day.
• All I eat is lean chicken no skin or turkey or fish. No butter, no oils, nothing fattening.
• I’m not the kind a guy who can have just one small piece of brownie or one small piece of cake. If I have a taste I want to eat the whole thing. So I just cut it all out.

There isn’t anything wrong with what he’s saying. It’s obviously working for him. So why does sitting next to him in a restaurant make me feel like crap? I’m losing weight and I don’t have to eat that way. I can enjoy food. I can eat things other than salad and still be successful. But he’s the one who’s lost 80 pounds and everyone “oohs” and “ahhs” over it. And I feel like I’m just the fat girl sitting next to him.

After the business meetings were over he told his wife that I was trying to lose weight again. (Emphasis on again.) She looked at me a little quizzically. Oh, are you doing that Weight Watchers again? There didn’t seem to be a lot of confidence in her tone. Or maybe I’m just reading things into it.

It seems weird to me that I can be more undermined by somebody whose weight-loss journey is successful yet different from mine then someone who has not yet begun the journey or even considering it.  As empowered as I feel much of the time, I still have a lot of work to do to get there.

My Donut Life

WARNING: this post has graphic descriptions of food. Don’t read if this is a trigger for you!

 

 

 

FAT: In Sickness…

This post is about 10 days old, but I haven’t really been up to writing anything because I’ve been sick. This is an unusual predicament for me because despite my weight, which all the “experts” claim is the cause of untold illness and a drain on the healthcare in our country, I am an extremely healthy person. I have LOW cholesterol, LOW blood pressure, and my body does a good job of handling sugar.

I have a high stress job, I have bad sleeping patterns, I am more than 150 lbs overweight. According to every health article I’ve read and every medical report on TV, I should have about 17 fat-related maladies, from diabetes to gall stones, but I don’t. I’m pretty healthy for a 45-yr old woman and I don’t have to take any medications. My only physical complaint is intermittent pain on my ankle, caused by a car accident in my 20s.

So when I got sick two weeks ago, my instinct was to just ignore it. I had sever pains in the abdomen, but I figured they would go away after a few days. I was wrong about that. When I stopped eating, the pain did get less severe, but I still felt a lot of pain. Finally my mother convinced me to go to the “Doc-in-the-box” which is our short-hand for the walk-in clinic.

Side note here: My regular doctor, the one I’ve been seeing since I was 18, retired this past year. I pretty much haven’t found anyone else yet. Being relatively healthy I don’t really need a doctor that much. I’m starting to think that might be a mistake. Also, I stopped going to the gynecologist when the one I was seeing told me I was essentially too fat to take birth-control pills. That’s a long story, but I will get to it later.

When I showed up at the clinic, and discussed the pain with the doctor on duty, she immediately said I needed to go to the emergency room. The placement, frequency, and intensity of my pain could be many things, she said, but she didn’t have the equipment to find out what. *Sigh* I really didn’t want to go to the emergency room. Luckily for me I have a brother-in-law who works in the ER, so he was able to get me seen without a long, long wait. I know how rare this is for someone who isn’t having chest pain or bleeding profusely.

The first doctor who looked at me asked me the usual questions about preexisting conditions, and when I said I had none, he gave me the typical doctor’s WTBW look. Obviously I was crazy or lying. How could someone so fat, at my age, be in good health?

Am I projecting? Perhaps, but I don’t think so. I’ve had enough medical professionals tell me to my face that I was too fat to be healthy, despite any medical evidence to go along with that diagnosis.

Anyway, I was in the ER for 10 hrs. During which time they gave me morphine (what a lovely drug) to quiet the pain, and every test known to medical science to figure out what was wrong with me. Oh, first they scared the beejeebers our of me by letting me think I had pancreatic cancer (I don’t) or kidney failure (nope, my kidneys are fine). In fact, all the hospital professionals could do was tell me I had a lovely gall bladder (seriously, at least three people looking at my CT scans told me what a lovely gall bladder I have) and that while I was in intense pain, there was nothing wrong with me. My kidneys were good, my liver was fantastic, from the blood they drew, everything (everything) was in the normal range. I was about as healthy as a 40-something yr old woman could be. Well, except for the sharp, persistent pains, of course.

It took about two days more for a diagnosis to come in, and it is a relatively benign one. I have a hiatal hernia. Of course this is another ailment that is attributed to obesity, but it is not life threatening and usually managed with medicine and changes to diet. So now in order to keep from being in excruciating pain I get to give up caffeine, chocolate, carbonated beverages, citrus, acidic foods, fatty foods, and all that is holy and wonderful in the world. Lovely….

Of course there is an irony here, that this “disease” suddenly appears just when I’ve gotten my eating under control for the first time in 6 years. I mean I lose 16 lbs and  have already given up most fatty foods and big meals anyway, and then I get this weird stomach deformity? Figures.

Of course the real problem (in my warped mind)  is that this is totally messing with my diet:

• First, the one thing keeping me on Weight Watchers the past month was enjoying what I am eating. I limit the portions and focus on really enjoying my food. But now 80% of what I like to eat is no longer on the menu.
• Second, while I was sick I was actually fasting for about four days. When I did start to eat it was only about half my points for the first few days. This caused “fake fat loss” which means now that I’m back to eating my full points, things are going to even out. My head knows this, and that it will even out eventually, but in my heart it will feel like a sucker-punch. I’m dreading weighing in tomorrow. Even though I’ve been really, really on program this week, I know I will have a gain.
• Third, getting this “fat-person” disease has been a blow to my ego. I don’t care how many people think I have a lovely gall-bladder, I was just starting to feel empowered. People talk about will power, but I think that is a lot of crap. For me, I need to feel self-confident and empowered to be able to lose weight. This experience just makes me feel small.
• Finally, I’ve always used any excuse to get off-track before. I don’t want this to become my latest excuse, which is why I am blogging about it. Trying to dare myself to get past this.

Ok, so this was a long post. If you got all the way to the end without getting bored, Thank you. I hope to have more to report soon.

 

Read This!

First, read this article. I’ll wait:
Fat? Who Cares!

 

…

 

No, go back and read the whole thing. It’s worth it!

 

…

 

Can you believe she wrote, “people who are heavier tend to survive longer than thinner people with the same disease.” Also, “it’s much more likely that being sedentary, not being fat, is the real problem.” I’m no medical expert, but there does seem to be a logic to this.

But here’s the thing: I agree with everything in this article. And yet, I’m still going to try to lose weight. I have my reasons and a big one is I don’t want to be sedentary. At this weight, even walking is tough. My ankle is always hurting and it makes not want to move. But I think I’m going to read this article a lot more times until I start to believe it.

The Butter Battle

I don’t buy butter. In my house you will always find Pam Spray, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, and some form of light, low fat, yellow spread. But never butter. Even when I’m on a binging rampage I can’t quite bring myself to eat butter.

When I go out, it is a different story. Restaurants rarely have low fat butter-like spreads. Since “real” margarine is the same calories as butter, when I eat out I eat butter. It is better when you get to put on the butter yourself, because when someone else does it invariably means 2″ of butter on the left and dry toast on the right.

This morning I was running late so I grabbed a butter roll at 7-11 for the drive. I gamely used my fingers to wipe off what must have been 4 Tbs of butter, leaving only a thin sheen on my roll. It was delicious!

Wednesdays are my loooooong day. I leave the house at 6 am and don’t get home until after 9:30 pm. I do have a chance to stop for dinner. Sometimes I have a gyro (16 points) but lately I’ve been having eggs for dinner. I eat half the hash browns and butter my own toast. The whole dinner is about 20. I had plenty of points left but I felt weird because I already ate butter today. I really thought about it before I ordered and this is what I came up with: English Muffin (dry) with a slice of mozzarella cheese. The points worked out almost the same. Maybe the muffin is a point less but this was a giant English muffin so I don’t think so. But I felt better eating the cheese: – a protein instead of a fat
- a food instead of a condiment
- something which added flavor to the meal
- something of substance

In the past I would have eaten the toast DRY. But I would have felt deprived. That’s what someone on a diet does. With the cheese it felt like a treat, not a diet. A decision I could both enjoy and be proud of. If I’m going to stick with this long term, I need to make these kinds of decisions. Not just eat the lowest point foods I can find.

So here I am, week 4 of Weight Watchers and I’m still here. Maybe I can do this. Not like before, different.

 

The Food Scrooge

(This is just clip art - my soup looked very different)

I’m pretty easy-going as a restaurant patron. I tip well, give the wait staff and cooks the benefit of the doubt, and rarely send food back. At the hibachi a few weeks ago I ordered brown rice and they forgot and gave me the fried. After the guy put so much energy into cooking it in front of me, I told the waitress not to worry and just ate it.

But here’s what I see happening as I work on weight watchers (and it is work, no matter how happy the girls in the ad look): I’m becoming a picky eater – or at least pickier… We went out tonight and I had goulash soup in a bread bowl. It wasn’t the lowest point item on the menu, but it sounded wonderful and soup usually fills me up nicely. And the goulash was fantastic. Out of this world delish! but the bread bowl was burnt. So I ate the cup of soup (not much soup fits in a bread bowl, really) and some of the soft bread inside, but I couldn’t eat the burned bread.

I didn’t complain. I just left the meal hungry. Going out to dinner I never leave hungry. This is a new experience and kind of a downer. I enjoyed the company, but felt very frustrated. So I came home and looked through my pantry and fridge and came up with a good solution. I steamed a bag of frozen veggies and put two spoonfuls of queso con salsa. Rich in taste, low in points. Now my stomach isn’t grumbling and I’m feeling better about the whole thing. I mean the soup was really really good. And I’m relieved that I didn’t eat the bread, because usually I would eat it, even if I didn’t like it. And maybe I need to be more of a Food Scrooge.

Who am I today…

Dear Internet.

I’m so sorry. It’s been about 6 months since I’ve written. I haven’t forgotten you. I just got busy.

This isn’t going to be my usual post. I only have a few things to say.

ONE:

I think everybody with body issues should read 10 Rules for Fat Girls. It is smart, insightful, funny, and sad. Here are some of my favorite lines:

- Every time a fat girl eats cake God kills a kitten
- My fat is a great insulator.  It helps keep idiots out of my life.

I don’t have to explain or summarize. It is so good you will want to read the whole thing.

TWO:

This coming Wednesday, my daughter is starting a new program at Stony Brook Hospital called Fit Kids for Life. It was her idea. She wanted to do it. But it has made me face up to a few things:

• I feel responsible for her fat, even more than I feel responsible for my own.
• She can’t be successful unless I support her.
• I don’t need to be thin to be happy, but I’m not happy at this size.

The last bullet is key to me. I don’t want to be on a diet. I feel like I need to be thin, but currently my weight is keeping me from being who I want to be.  There are things I can’t do physically because of my size. I don’t care about my looks and I don’t specifically think I’m unhealthy, but being out of shape is what really bothers me the most.

I’ve learned to accept and be okay about the way I look (mostly). I say “mostly” because sure there I times I wish I were prettier, but I really feel that I can accept the way I look. What bothers me is what I can (and can’t) do. I can’t run up (or down) the stairs. I get out of breath easily. I’m always hot. I feel off-balance. I feel old. I want to be in better shape more than I want to be thin. So I’m trying that out for a while. We’ll see.

Setting Goals

Where has the time gone? My last post was about coming up with a New Years’ Resolution. Well, New Years has come and gone and what have I been doing? Well, not blogging, I’ll tell you that.

Here are some of the things that have kept me busy since my last post:

• Christmas Win (this year)
• New Years Eve – went to a party with my brother.  Big Win this took a lot more nerve than you might think
  
• Epiphany – major holiday in my family and soo much fun Soo Much Win
• 5 trips to Baltimore in as many weeks Business Win, Personal Fail
• Winning major fight with my daughter’s school Parenting Win and you know how rare those are
• Watching the first season of Dollhouse Time Management Fail, but Fun
• Reading Roots by Alex Haley among Intellectual Win (most of what I read is trivial fiction)
• Meeting two writing deadlines  Business Win, Time Management Win
• Three major winter storms Mood Swing Fail
• Eating Gluten Free for almost ten days Stupid diet Fail
• Lost power twice Man vs Nature Fail
• Didn’t bounce any checks Financial Win
• Driving my car into a snow bank, got stuck for four hours, and tore out my car’s exhaust system Ziggy Fail
• Paying the wrong landscape company $150 Financial Fail
• Buying a New Pocketbook Style Fail (sooooo much Fail)
• Using a cane to walk for two weeks.  Health Fail Not using the cane anymore. Relief Win
• Start taking guitar lessons Lost Youth Win
• Rereading an old twitter post that says I want to run 5K before I turn 45 Setting Goals Fail
• Realizing I’m turning 45 in less than 2 months. Chronology Fail

Gulp! I set that goal when I got the treadmill in my house. I’m happy to say the treadmill does not have any laundry on it at all. I’m sorry to say the cats use it more than I do.

I spent two weeks walking with a cane recently and I’m not sure that running 5k is a reasonable goal. Having said that, I’m feeling older than I am and I want to do something positive for myself. So, since I never set any resolutions back in January, I’ve decided to make three February resolutions:

1. In 2011 I will walk two times per week or more. Any length walk will count because I tend to hurt myself when I overdo it.
   
2. In 2011 I will enter some type of race or walkathon or public event to celebrate my new activity.
3. In 2011 I will continue to blog about my life, paying more attention to the Wins than the Fails.

Does it seem like I’m being to easy on myself? Considering where I’m starting it feels like climbing Mt. Everest to me. The old me, the stronger me, would have come up with better resolutions, but really all I want to do is be able to walk a mile without having to stop for breath and feel my body move in a positive way.

Well, Happy Belated New Years, anyway.